Do not read unless you really want to hear about what goes on in my head....SCARY!
Today I sat down to the computer to do my weekly Friday blog visits (when I go down my list of blog friends and check out their updates). I read a couple posts that got me thinking, thinking about things I have been pondering for quite sometime. This all is related to a post I did a while ago (here).
Part of my journey is finding out who I am as a mother. When I was single, I knew who I was. Then when I got married, I knew who I was as a wife, different than who I was as a single gal, but I still knew. Now I am a mom, the best job ever, however I struggle to find out who I am...as a mother. Most of you reading this are mothers, and may say, "Well, you are a mother Paula, that is who you are". Yes, but let me explain. I am a mother and lovin' every minute of it. But when my daughter is sleeping, and I have time to myself...who am I. Take a look at my friends post that inspired this post entry (here). She also referenced another blog post of a letter to mothers. I liked it, but can't really relate to what she is saying.
Ok, so I am mumbling on...throughout this journey I am trying to either maintain my true self if not trying to find it.
One thing that was always "me", more as a single gal than any other time, was that I was known as a "social butterfly". Now...not so much. I've learned that I tend to talk too much, but I also find myself content with just keeping to myself. Doesn't make sense, I know. One extreme to the next.
I know there are a lot of moms out there that wish they had more "adult" time, than singing "Dora" songs in their head all day. True, I have been known to chant "come on vamanos" a time or two and wish I was found deep in a great conversation about photography or fitness or even politics (not really my fortay). But for the most part, why make an effort to call up a friend and spend the day with other mothers, when I can sit at home on the computer, avoiding human contact. (hee hee) I must admit...I love to blog, but it is a great excuse for not picking up the phone and getting to know my fellow neighbor, right? Society has changed. I used to love to pick up the phone and make a call, but now I just blog and check out my friends happenings, online. I do love to see the pictures of little ones!
This all sounds a bit harsh, and I will be the first to admit that I will continue to blog and may or may not continue to call up a friend. My point in all this is that I am finding myself, 'as a mother' becoming socially inept.
My time with my daughter is so precious to me, that I don't make the effort to get to know others, but I also want that relationship. I want to be a genuine friend, someone that one can always count on, and someone that is always thinking of others first.
I must admit...in my search for true and great friendships...I tend to neglect the one most important relationship/friendship here on this earth. My sweetie...is my best friend, but I don't nurture that like I should.
I love the show "Home Improvement". I recently saw an episode where Wilson said to Tim that relationships were about building a bridge, each day. And he said, "A successful marriage is one where man and woman meet in the middle". That is why our song is what it IS.
So, while finding out who I am, 'as a mother', I will continue to be the best "mommy" for Kya, work harder at being a great friend to my sweetie, the best friend, but also seek out who I am as a individual. I want to be the same individual throughout the remainder of my life, here and after.
In the meantime, I love all my friends, near and far (especially my sister-friends). Please forgive me for 'hiding' away. I am not so good at getting together anymore.
Another thought for the journey....any ideas!
8 comments:
Have a game night! I love getting to know people that way. Invite a few couples you know and a few you would like to know. It's always better in a big group then it's not so awkward. Plus then Kya can still be with you and they can get to know her and if they bring their kids they can get to know each other. I'm also trying to start a play group around here. One that is organized and interactive with the kids. Teaching them social skills, music and speech. After having Brady in different therapies I realize how important it is. I am with you on the whole blogging thing, love it, but it does make you talk less on the phone or in person. And another thing that drives me nuts is texting. All of my friends text, that's it. I do it now because they do it, but I hate it. It's like just pick up the phone and talk to me like a human being! You know what, if I have your # in my phone I'm going to call you right now, just to say hi! If you don't hear from me, I don't have your #!! Talk to you soon. (hopefully) if not at least there's blogging!
Yes, yes, YES! I'm totally this way! I used to be so social and for some reason I'm not so much anymore. I still like when we do get together with other people, but I don't really put forth the effort much anymore.
I also have to say, about your first post about losing yourself, I still feel that way sometimes and it can be so overwhelming. I've tried to explain it to NYDD a few times, but he never really gets it. I'm so, so happy to know I'm not the only one who feels like she's lost track of who she really is. Thanks so much for posting this - I can't even tell you.
I have felt that way every time I have moved to a new place...and it lasts until I make new friends. And usually I make new friends by default...meaning I'm not out there searching and inviting people to get together. Often it is through the church (callings, visiting teaching, etc.) And sometimes it's through Matt who "forces" me to be social. Just let it happen naturally...don't force it. That's what I've done this move and now I have a group of friends that I really look forward to seeing. We don't do a ton together, but I LOVE it when we do see each other. Hang in there. Your social butterfly is still in there...just laying dormant.
PS: I LOVE YOUR BLOG TOPPER! The whole blog looks GREAT!!!
Your blog looks great, very festive. Hang in there, Spring is coming and you will find people coming out their homes and spending more time outside which makes socializing easier, winter moves are the toughest, you will find your niche.
Well, all I can say is to just keep trying and don't give up on yourself. I don't think there is anything wrong with being "a mom with hobbies". When Kya is sleeping you are still a Mom. When the other blog said, I don't know where Mom ends and I begin, I thought, does it have to change? You once told me that although you thought I'd be a good Mom, you were surprised that I became soooooo Mom. I think my response was, "Is there another way?" Being a Mom is who I am right now. When they are grown I will find a new me, I'm sure. But in the meantime, you don't have to put aside all your hobbies, goals, dreams, etc. Trust me, I'm not saying it's easy. Some days are tough, but that's why I started with, don't give up!
I think you are an amazing women! I still consider you a social butterfly! You don't have to be constantly on the phone to be called that you know! :)
Blogging is one way that helps me still stay connected with my friends! Now, honestly, I can't be calling everyone, but leaving a little comment here and there, now that's using the technology that we have!
I think you are great Paula! You are a sweet gal, and though playing the role of wife and mother may seem crazy, I have seen you manage it rather well!
I am with Jamie...blogging has been good for me. Otherwise, everyone that keeps moving away....I'd have no contact with!
AND I totally know how you feel. I've been struggling a lot lately with who I am...I mean, I KNOW I am a daughter of God...but who else am I, what else am I here on earth to do, and how to I find the time to fit it all in, be a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, and spend time with ME too? It's a tough trip ya know...wish you guys were closer. Then our girls could play!
Paula, I want to send you an email, but I don't know your address. Will you send it to me at ralvord@gmail.com Thanks!
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